Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
