Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
