I will die if light touches me.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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