i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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