I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
This house was built for laser tag.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
