Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
