the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
