Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
