I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
