im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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