he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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