I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
