When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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