I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You made out with two different species that night
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
