people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
