First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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