i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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