my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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