onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I still have a little drunk in my system
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
