My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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