I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
