I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
