Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
