You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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