Jerry, you need to find god
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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