If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
