I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
