You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize