people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
