I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize