It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
