when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
