WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
