not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
