I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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