Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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