My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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