I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
