tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
