I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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