I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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