I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
