I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
