Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
