Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize