U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
