yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
