Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
