Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
