Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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