His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
