Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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