im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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