Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
