to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize