He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
