my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
