then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
