She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
