He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
A bitchslap is in order.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
