the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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