Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
